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Chris Kern

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11:31 pm: Writing retrospective part 1
Inspired by some discussions with friends over the weekend, I decided to start doing something I've considered doing for a while -- basically a history of my own (fiction) writing. What better place than LJ to do such an egotistical project. :) I know at least 1 person is interested in seeing this so sorry to everyone else.

Due to my pack rat nature I still have a lot of the stories I wrote as a kid; they're somewhat embarrassing to look at now, but funny all the same. I'm planning on describing what I was writing and include either summaries or full texts of the stories I still have. Unfortunately hardly any of the stories have dates on them so I have to go entirely by my own memory, which may be wrong in some cases.

Anyway, the first set of stories I ever wrote were "FBI stories". As a kid I loved the James Bond movies, and a friend of mine who wanted to join the FBI when he grew up was writing some stories -- I don't remember anything about them or whether I even read a full one, but I guess I was inspired by them to write my own stories. They were "FBI stories" because at the age of 8, I thought that if you wanted to write a James Bond story set in the US, the FBI was the closest equivalent. Of course I had no idea what the FBI actually did or anything about it, but that's beside the point.

There are three basic "phases" to these -- the first ones star myself (because my friend put himself as the star of his stories), the second ones have a non-self insertion character called "Heatwave", and there's a third set of stories that once again star myself, but in a different continuity.

Most of them are really awful. I can tell from reading them now that I had a pretty good idea of what kind of action sequences I wanted to include but I wasn't really able to come up with good plots surrounding them other than just "evil person wants to do random evil things" -- there are all kinds of silly elements and impossible plots.

Here is the first story I ever wrote, which I amazingly still have. I'm not sure exactly when I wrote it, but I was probably 8 or 9.

I tried to transcribe the spelling, punctuation, and capitalization exactly from the story to better preserve the silliness -- one note is that the use of quotation marks is pretty awful; often the quotes aren't closed, or two sentences from the same person are put in separate quotes.

In the original story each paragraph is one page, with the bottom 1/4 or so being a (poorly drawn) picture.

Chapter One: The New Man

It was Monday. Frank Maroon, the FBI Man was on a CASE, to INFiltrate the E.R.V.I.N.C. Base and kill Archin, the enemy leader. As he Approached the base, a branch broke. An enemy bodyguard appeared with a blackhawk pistol. Frank ran behind a tree. "he only has 6 bullets" thought Frank. He drew his own weapon, a Pistol-7 shooter. The bodyguard came out. Frank shot. He missed; and the bodyguard shot. The bullet shaved his hair; just missing him. The FBI Shot again. The shot hit the bodyguard in the arm. He bent over in pain, Frank ran over and kicked him in the stomach. the bodyguard fell down, unconsios. Frank ran in the base. Then, Archin Appeard from behind a door. Frank drew his weapon but not quick enough. Archin shot. Then Frank Fell over, Dead.
It was teusday. I was walking on the sidewalk. As I passed the FBI institute I heard Two Men talking. "We need a man to replace frank." "Yes. I know. We should go find someone." Quickly i rushed into the building. "Can I apply? I heard your conversation." "I would like to apply." "Why not!" said the men. "But first we have to train you! We walked into the traing room. "Okay. The first thing is easy." "All you have to do is shoot the Targets." I shot 6 times. I hit 5 targets. "Okay. Said Captain harrison." "You are doing Great. I went through the rest of traing very quickly. When i finished I got my badge. Then i was sent on my first case. "Your mission is to infiltrate the E.R.V.I.N.C Base and aresst Archin." "Here is a picture." Archin WAS White, had brown hair, and Blue eyes, and a cut on his arm. "Good luck" said Captain harris.
I was riding in the chopper to the forest, when I saw the Pilot. "Archin!" I said. Quickly I launched a Right to his head, hitting him square in the jaw. Archin responded with a flurry of puches. I kicked hard. Archin Tripped over the controls and jammed them. As I looked out the window, I saw a big cliff. We would crash! Archin sudenlly jumped out. He pulled his cord. I jumped. I pulled the cord. Nothing happend. I tried agian. The string broke! I looked up the chopper crashed, showering debris everywhere. I could not figure out what to do! Suddenly, I rememberd that i had a ball of string in my jacket. I was plummeting toward The earth. I tore off some string. I tied it on. I didn't have much time left. I pulled and the parachute opened. I went safely to the ground.

Chapter two: CAPTURED!

I landed softly. no trace of archin. I buried my parachute with haste. I ran, only to find a dead end. I went the other way. I heard a noise behind me. I turned and a man was right behind me. he pulled out a pistol! I slid under the bullet right before he shot and kicked him. he dropped his weapon. I took it before he recovered. "Freeze, FBI" I said. then he pulled out a badge. it said "Micheal Rake FBI" I lowered my gun. "Have you seen a man named Archin?" said Mike. "Yes i am looking for him". Then a man came out. "Now he's no FBI" said Mike! "Quick!" I yelled. "over there!" we each got behind a tree. I came out and shot, Missing by an inch. He shot, hitting me in the arm. "You'll have to finish him" I said. Mike shot Breaking his gun. then he walked up and said "Freeze FBI" The Man kicked the gun out of his hand. Mike punched, missing. The man knocked Mike down, Unconsios.
"Get him hammerhead" I heard a man say. Archin! I thought. "Hey!" "Boss i found another one" I was limp and unconsios. "Get him said archin" they took us to a dungeon and locked the door. Suddenly I heard a voice say "Wake up chris" "We are in a dungeon In the enemy base. Archin is planning to destroy a dam in California. We've got to stop him". "Oh hi Mike i said wearily. Then, water started pouring in from all sides! "We will drown!" I said "Unless we CAN think of some thing fast!" Said mike. We were shackled to the wall! We cound't think of anything! "I've got an idea!" said mike. "CAN you reach your gun?" "Yes!" I said "Get it!" said mike. "I got it!" "okay now aim and shoot my shackle." I shot. The Bullet hit, Breaking it. "Good!" "shoot my other one!" I shot. It misssed! "That was my last shot!"

Chapter 3: OUR ESCAPE

Sudennly I said. "Hey Mike, How come I could reach my gun? It was down in my pants pocket!" "My shackles are too big!" "Try to pull out of them" said Mike. "Okay uhuh I've got one hand out." The water was waist high! "Okay!" The water was up to my chest! I took my gun out, Reloaded it, and shot Mike's other shackle. "Come on!" I said. Mike jumped to the window and hung on the bars. I jumped and barley hung with one hand. Mike helped me up. "How do we get out?" I said. The water reached the shackles. "Hey chris jump onto those bars on the celing!" "Okay" "Now i'll jump on to the other one!" "Now wait until the water creates enogh pressure to break the wall" "Are you cra...!" Just then, the water broke a hole in the wall. "Jump!" Said mike. we jumped down and went through the hole. We ran to the open and found a white limosine.
We got in. then hammerhead said "Hey boss." "there they go" Archin and hammerhead got in a car. We were being chased. We went full speed and archin reached out with a machine gun and started shooting. I reached out and shot. It hit the window. the next one hit archin's arm the gun flying out of his hand. Hammerhead got out and hopped on our car. I got on top too. He punched and hit me in my leg. I punched back, and missed. I then ducked under a few more punches, And responded With an uppercut hitting his face. He hit me in the arm. Then mike yelled "Take over chris!" He rolled the window down. I got in, Mike got out. Mike launched a strong uppercut. hammerhead fell down. Mike flipped him off, and Archin ran over him. We drove to the dam. there were two dams, the first one with a bomb set for 20 minutes! the other one 1 hour!

CHAPTER FOUR: The first explosion and Second ex.......

Only 15 minutes left! we went to the dam archin was following us. We ran up the hill towards the dam with archin shooting a 7-shooter at us. Only 5 minutes left we were running as fast as we could we were on the dam. we were almost there. "How much time left?" I said "None!" Said Mike "DIVE!" We jumped to saftey. the dam exploded, killing Archin. "Come on!" "We have to get the other bomb out!" I said "How much time?" "3 minutes!" We were running fast! "Find two big rocks" "Why?" I said. "I saw 007 Defuse a bomb with gold bricks!" "Okay here goes" I found 2. Mike started to work. He pounded, trying to open the bomb. "30 seconds" It was opend. "15 seconds." Mike was trying to find the yellow wire. 10 seconds. Mike found it "5, 4, 3, 2..." "Riip" The bomb stopped!" We went back on a chopper. The Captain thanked us greatly.


(I'm not sure what my obsession with "7 shooters" was; I think I got this idea from a looney tunes cartoon or something like that. I remember that Hammerhead was a ripoff of a plot element from one of my friend's stories and that he criticized me for stealing it. The end of chapter 1 is a good example of what I was talking about earlier -- I obviously wanted to include a scene of the hero and villain fighting in a plane or helicopter, something stolen from James Bond, but the way it's included makes no sense whatsoever.)

I don't remember how many other stories are in this first phase; I only have one other story and I know that I wrote another one that's now lost, but it's possible there are others.


Date:June 17th, 2010 03:39 pm (UTC)


Nice. Archin (your Archenemy) should probably not have gone on that dam. I also like the part where you (in the story) wonder how you were able to reach your gun.
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Date:June 17th, 2010 10:59 pm (UTC)
Looks like you had a good feel for when to throw in a reversal.
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