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Chris Kern

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05:44 pm: Writing retrospective part 2
I know the next story I wrote was called Users are Losers and involved drug dealers, but I don't have that story anymore. I know it introduced a new villain "Patch", who was a ninja with an eyepatch. Patch was intended to be a recurring villain along the lines of Blofeld (from James Bond), and I imagine that the ninja idea must have come from You Only Live Twice.

The cast also grows to add another real life friend, Marcos, who is a sniper in the stories. The main self-insertion character also gets a machine gun called "shooter". I know that this is based on a game we used to play called "guns" where we would each take a plastic gun, and then the object was to run around and sneak up on people and say "bang" or "got you" before they see you, and the first to 10 points won. This was a lot of fun and there were surprisingly few arguments about who shot first. Anyway, the gun I always used was a plastic machine gun of some sort -- I don't remember whether it actually said "shooter" on it or whether I made that name up.

Anyway, the only other story I have in this continuity is called "Patch" -- "part 1" is written under that in a different pen; I don't know whether I added that later (but I know I never wrote part 2). Since the stories get longer now I won't type up the whole thing anymore, I'll just summarize it and then type a few key passages.

Once again I have only a vague idea of when this was written, but it probably wasn't too long after the previous story I posted.

First there's the backstory of how Patch got his patch, after mentioning the previous crimes of Patch and his bodyguards (including "Ojo", who was in the second story and was a ripoff of Oddjob from Goldfinger). Here's the backstory, which I'm quoting because it shows an ambitious (but failed) attempt to have a large fight scene, and there's also a link to the first story.


II - How patch got his patch

Patch used to have no Patch his name was not Patch. It was James A. Prospero. He was the #1 person in crim wave. Then Archin Joll came along. He wanted to be the 1st. So he devised a plan to have him killed. So he developed a raid on Austin, Texas. They're first try was unsucsessfull. He ordered men to go to a store and have a shoot-out. Then when they were gone he quickly dialed 911 and ordered for the store to be guarded.

III - The Raid

When Patch and 17 men got to the store (It hapenns it was a ammunition/gun store) the police were driving up to the store. They snuck around the back and checked around at the warehouse to see if any police were at the back. only 1 was up on the roof holding a sawed off shotgun. "probably supposed to be used for surprise attack" Patch said quitely. He climed up the side of the building and jumped down on to the lower warehouse celing. He pulled out an automatic gun. He fired twice into his head and he fell down. "Okay fill in. Watch out, ther'll be more guards inside the store." Patch jumped down, reloaded his gun and brang up the rear. They walked along the wall. One of the men flattened himself against the wll. His foot struck a switch triggering an alarm. Reoeoeo OEOEOEOEOE the alarm rung all over the store. The policemen heard the noise and rushed to the scene and saw Patch. "Damn!" Patch said as he dived beside a shelf filled with guns and ammunition. He took out his automatic and shot twice around the shelf. He hit one man on the left and right of the chest. He fell down. One of the men Pulled out an UZI and shot 6 of the policeman down. Another policeman shot around the shelf and killed the guy with the UZI. Patch shot at him and he missed. 2 of the men got shot next by the same policeman. Patch ran over and snatched the UZI from the dead man and filled the man with bullets. a backup came and sneaked up on patch and his men. he shot 3 men before Patch tackled him. gunshots richocheted off the wall and rang out, hitting the floor besides him.

IV - The Finish of the Fight

Patch was on the ground wrestling the man. gun-shots flew all around him. Then a bullet hit patch in the arm. The policemen (3 left) coundlt shoot directly at patch for fear of hitting the policeman. They turned thier attention to the other 6 remaning men. They all got killed except Patch and the Wrestling policeman. Patch threw off the policeman and kicked his gun away. He came away from the guy and backed out in a kicking stance and guarding his face with his hands. As the policeman came close He lashed out and hit the policeman in his face and he staggered back. Patch punched several times in his face and he fell down towards where his gun was. patch bent back the policemans leg and made it go more and more until the policeman picked up his gun and shot Patch in the arm. He fell against ashelf which knocked over under his weight. He picked up cases of ammunttion and threw them at him in order to push him back and attemps to knock the gun out one of the cases he threw the policeman shot and it caught on fire. The policeman ran behind the shelf and down the other hall. Patch was against the wall and the policeman picked up a Barrell of ammunition and shot it in midair it hit Patch's face and he crashed through the window and landed on the floor outside.

[That's surprisingly incoherent in parts...]


So Patch has plastic surgery to repair his face, but they can't repair his eye. Mike and Chris get the mission to kill Patch once and for all. They start off by going to a bar to have a drink, where they learn that a man just came in earlier and shot someone. The shooter looked like a ninja and had a patch (I guess James Bond has a lot of scenes in bars?) As they leave the bar, Patch comes out and attacks with some ninja moves. After beating up on the heroes for a bit, Patch steals a car and drives away.

Chris and Mike pursue Patch; after a brief car chase, they follow Patch, driving into a false wall that leads into a base (this is from a James Bond movie too but I forget which one; I think Octopussy). For some reason the room they drive into is soundproof, and the next room has a pit of lava. Chris tries to swing over it on a rope but falls into the lava! (I think the idea of a series of obstacles in a base, which shows up later in the story too, is from Dr. No).

Later Chris wakes up and finds out that his arm has been replaced by a metal one (I'm pretty sure I had just seen Robocop and Terminator when I wrote this). Apparently he's only been out for 6 hours (fast surgery!)

The next day, Chris goes to Mike's house and finds it ransacked, and Mike has been tied up. The assailant, who they think is Patch, is still in the house, but when they kill the guy they find out it's not actually Patch. He does have a note saying where Patch is -- apparently there's a secret door in the lava room. They head back to the base, and begin to chase Patch. I'll put the rest of the story here.


XV - The death room

[Patch] led us to a chute. The chute led to a fan that was stained red. We slid down head first towards the fan. The fan spun around dizzly. I thought fast. I stuck my metal arm towards the fan. When I was there, It stopped and I took my regualar hand and broke off each of the fan things. I climed back up and stepped out. My gun was on the table. I picked it up and tried the door. it was locked.

XVI - Maze Run

Another door stood over to the right. I tried the door and it worked. As we went in, I caught a glimpse of Patch turn a corner through a door. We followed him through the door. Patch stood at the far end, his ninja suit on. He leapt into the air and landed behind me.

XVII - P-P-Patch / Maze Run II

I kicked at him and he fell back into the wall I tackled him. He wrestled to get free but I held his shoulders down and landed 3 punches to his face. He threw me off and I landed near the door. We ran through the door. A gaping hole was there. Patch swung open the door and it hit me. I fell down the hole.

XVIII - P-P-Patch!

I squeezed my metal are and shot out and grabed the side. I climbed up and stood before Patch. He said "I've got a weapon of my own! He ripped off his patch. A scrap of metal was sticking out. A laser came out, grazing my arm. He forgot about Mike behind him. Mike shot patch in the back.

XIX - The end

He fell down. I took the knife out of his belt and plunged it into his back. "Patch is dead! We exited the maze and walked back to F.B.I. headquarters.


(In some ways I think this is worse than the first story, although they're both pretty bad. The metal arm thing is really silly, and Patch being a ninja is random as well. At least in the first story the villains had some kind of plan -- here Patch just keeps showing up and making Chris and Mike chase him for no good reason.)

This is a lot of fun; re-reading these stories reminds me of things about my childhood that I had sort of forgotten about. Next up, the next continuity, starring "Heatwave".


[User Picture]
Date:June 18th, 2010 11:47 pm (UTC)
I liked the very first line!
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